About Me

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She writes simply to put her thoughts together.
Sometimes they're well-structured, sometimes they're in absolute mess.
But always, they're personal.

Ultimately, this is all for Him.

Friday, 29 May 2015

Passenger's Seat

Today could be one of the worst-managed days. My sleeping pattern is very much distorted now since fajr is at awkward times as summer is approaching. So today I woke up at almost noon despite having my alarm clock set at 9. I don't have any commitments today but I did plan on going to the bike repair stall at uni.

The gear cable on my bicycle need to be changed and since I can't fix it myself (there's so many junctions for the cable on my bike!), I surveyed the cost for me to get someone else to change it for me. When I went to Halfords, they wanted to charge me £10. As I'm on a very tight budget and the shop was about to be closed when I went there, I dismissed the idea, yet got the cable for free (it was a 3 for 2 offer and I bought a couple of other stuff). The shop near my house wanted to charge me around £5-7.50 but having known that my university has a bike-repair stall set up every Friday and said to give 20% discount to students and staffs, I thought I'd give that a go instead.

So back to the story,
I had my breakfast and dreaded of the thought to cycle to uni as I technically had nothing else planned for things to do there except to get my bike fixed. I'm better off doing revisions at home anyway. But I got ready anyway. Cooked myself a pack-away lunch, had my shower and waited for Dhuhr. In that meantime, I packed my bag, only to find that my d-lock has gone missing. Searched high and low and there was just no sign of it. How am I supposed to bring my bike out of the house without a lock?

Dhuhr had passed for half an hour and I was still trying to figure out where my lock was. It was almost 2 o'clock and I had to pray that instant because if I delay it further, I would miss the charity sale that's going on at the Prayer Hall during Jum'ah, and I might not be able to catch the mechanic as the stall would be closed by 4, and on top of everything, I haven't read my Kahfi yet!

After praying, as I was getting ready, it suddenly RAINED. My day hadn't been good thus far, I am certainly not interested in getting myself soaked for the day. Then I just dropped everything, changed my mind, changed my clothes, and sat at my room to read Kahfi instead.

It's just not the day to fix my bike.

Tried all other methods to get to the mechanic to ask for the price if not face to face. None of them worked until later in the afternoon that I found his email address. Made the enquiry, and he replied this evening, saying his minimum charge for labour is £15.

I was actually glad things didn't work out as I planned today.

God knows if I had gone to uni, I might just surrender to the price (despite it being the highest of them all) due to my bike lock being missing and I wouldn't be bothered to immediately cycle back home (my house is 20 minutes away!). Or I might return back home straight after (because I cannot park my bike at uni, unlocked) and wasted a good 1 hour on the road, not getting anything done.

At the end of the day,
I get to do more revisions than I planned,
I get to read Kahfi before it's due,
and I don't need to spend a single penny.

It's like Allah is telling me that the bicycle is the least of my concern right now (since I'm at home most of the time anyway). "Just study and focus on your exams, will you?"
And that He's fully supporting my idea of saving some money for the next few months.
That's what makes me feel loved so much. To know that He cares for me, even for the most trivial issue.

I don't mind of not being in full control of my life.
All I want is to get to the right destination.
It's good that I don't have to be concerned of what route to take, or whether I would get lost.
After all, I have the best "driver" one can ever ask for ;)

A Hard Pill to Swallow

Everyone has a dream if not many. Be it realistic or just utter fairytale. I always try to keep mine close to realistic, though occasionally it would be borderline impossible.

For every step that I take in my life, it's usually accompanied with the reason why I want to do it, my goals to achieve in it, and a back up plan for the case things don't work out really well. Then I work on that goal like there's no tomorrow.

In my teenage years, the dreams usually come out fine, if not just a kink of minute failure here and there. Straight A's for PMR, gone to a boarding school, became amongst the best in that school, and lastly, got a full scholarship to the UK. Life was probably too good back then.

Then as I grow older, dreams got bigger, yet life gets harder. I learned to keep on reflecting, just so failure won't hit me so hard and I wouldn't need to hit the ground running. But you never really know when to stop working hard towards your dream, do you? Yes, you should never give up even if it takes every drop of sweat and blood in you but there would be a point where you just have to accept the fact that you're not going to be able to reach your goal. Be it because of unforeseen circumstances or you're just simply not good enough. Like when you really want a first class in your degree but no matter how hard you try, the highest you can get is a second upper. When most of the time, you know, you're actually settled with a pass.

It's good to be optimistic but very so often you need to be realistic too. And it's always hard to accept when your dreams would be mere dreams and your reality is going to be somewhat different. Like when you're climbing uphill on your cycle with a high gear, determined to go through that hill with that gear so you could reach the top much faster than everyone else. Midway, your legs give in and you have no choice but to shift to a lower gear. You might reach the top slower than what you aimed for but had not you made that shift, you might not have the strength to reach the top at all.

In life, it might take weeks if not months for you to decide to change your "gear". But life goes on and you need to move on too. What's more important is for you to be happy. And happy is a state of contentment, not really a sense of achievement or satisfaction. There's another word for that: triumph.

After all, whatever God has destined for you is indeed the best for you, even if it didn't feel like it at first.

I never planned to go to my current university but Allah brought me here and it is one of the best things that has ever happened to my life.

For everything that happened,
Husnu dzon towards Allah.
Trust Him.
For His plans are mightier than ours.

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

A Beauty That Can Only Be Felt

Recently, amidst the stress and tension brought about by the exam season, I had one particular issue that has been bugging my mind, more now than ever. Just a few days ago, I begged for my dear life that Allah would show me a way to resolve it for good.

Caught up with all that, I just thought, I needed someone to talk to. An actual physical person. Just so I can air it out. This matter is starting to suffocate me, what with my being alone in the room to do my revision most of the time.

Then today, after a long hiatus, I had two people, out of nowhere, wanting to talk to me, discussing this particular issue of mine. Yeah, two people, in one day, brought up the same exact topic, a topic that I hardly discuss. And today is one of those boring-days where I am supposed to do my revision, but not so. Talk about coincidence, huh. And it gets better. It was as if both were speaking my mind out. Just that, one, spoke from my jahiliyah side, one, with tarbiyah.

After the two-hour call from the latter person, only then I realised, that Allah is answering my prayer right now. But see, He's doing it with style. He chose not to just lay things out flat on my face. It's as if He's trying to not insult my intelligence and at the same time training me to handle things through the tarbiyah that I had. My interaction with Allah never stopped being interesting :')

"Think Sofina, think. A daie should be able to think through Islam's point of view ALL the time."

Didn't I myself choose to soar out to become an intelligent musleh? This is just one step towards achieving that. Redha of what He gives you, and may He be redha of what we offer Him.

Make a decision,
And lots of du'a along all those.