Celebrated Intention

Recently, I've noticed myself to be more and more inclined towards minimalism. It could be because one of my close friends preach minimalism a lot that I got affected, or that my housemates are all for it in leading their lives, or that I'm constantly in an overwhelmed state that my conscious mind wants other things to be as simple as possible. Either way, I believe that this is a healthy direction to go in terms of changing myself in preparation of the KL lifestyle I'm soon to face. Well, "change" might be a crude way to say it. When they say people change, there's always somewhat a tinge of negative connotation to it. I personally prefer the word "evolve". It sounds more........natural.

My graduation was a fine example of how Allah celebrates this evolution of mine. Being the only Malay graduating in the first ceremony of the graduation week at my uni, the spirit of graduation was only starting to warm up. The "suam-suam kuku" ambient allowed me to enjoy the company of my family and my truest friends who were genuinely happy for me. On that day, I received one little teddy bear, a couple of thoughtful gifts, absolutely no flowers at all, and had very few pictures taken (that's after pushing ourselves so hard because we were so tired from the event). Putting aside that I'm surrounded by people who are far from being publicly-announced sweet (lol), I was actually very happy and content. I may not get to be spoiled for being a graduand, but each gift I received (physical or not) was definitely the best I could ever ask for. There's this one hadith from the Prophet that promotes the giving of gifts to instill love in our hearts and purifying it. I admit that I am not the kind to give gifts but after being showered with so much love, I can definitely say that this hadith holds true. Funny how when you have very little, that's when your gratitude amplifies.

Of the books that I received. Both are splendid read indeed!.
The left book was actually from a gift exchange event.
But mashaAllah, they're both the right thing at the right time <3

I've witnessed how the 3 years of my stay in England made me evolve to a whole new person than I was before. Fresher, and hopefully better. I've come to like the fast-paced growth I experience here that the thought of returning back daunts me so much. But I have to swallow the fact painfully that this is not reality. My reality awaits me, 13-hour flight-journey from here. True that they say, 3 years in the UK is only a mere training ground for us to combat what lies deep in where we came from. May Allah grant us strength.

Happiness Shared

I don't usually make a big fuss out of birthdays, not even mine. But this year, I wanted to make it different. Don't know why. It could be because it marks the end of my study here in England (my student card is valid only up to my birth date this year), or that it signifies the end of my journey with my fellow comrades of 3 years. Either way, I decided that I want to do it the Western way i.e. throw my own party, inviting my dearest and closest friends.

The timing was just right. We just got our results and will be graduating with the degree that we've struggled for a good chunk of our life. All of us are in the midst of preparing ourselves for the next phase, in anticipation of achieving great things inshaAllah. Since my circle of friends consists of fellow introverts, it would come of no surprise if we lose contact of each other in the future. And I really want to show them that I appreciate the support that they gave to me, the time and space that we shared, and our togetherness in braving through the blood sweat and tears for this degree. Since I'm usually the cook amongst us, I've decided to cook one last round of feast for them - with the help of my sisters (biological and not hihi).

Of butter rice (not in the picture) and grilled chicken, mashed potato with gravy, and brownies with ice cream.
Basically a bit of everything!
*Sebenarnya nak habiskan stok makanan haha

The journey towards being 23 was really something else. I experienced the worst emotional and mental roller coaster than I ever had before. I lost grip of life and either gone mental or full autonomous mode. But no matter how much I feel like what I had was really bad, I'm sure it's not the worst - there's definitely going to be worse things to face in the future (haha talk about pessimism to the core). But it's alright. Humans are designed to be resilient towards adversity biiznillah.

Even so, I must say that I have achieved great things at the cost of my misery in the past one year as well. Perhaps of greatest height that I ever had - multiple, in fact. So really, I cannot complain though I awfully did. The world is never a perfect place to be - that's why we have to only strive for heaven. We win some, we lose some. But we (I) tend to focus only on the negatives when in fact, the positives outweigh them on a much larger scale. If there's anything I learned the hard way, is that I need to always always always count my blessings and never lose sight of His mercy at times of difficulty. And the latter was definitely my last string of hope when I was so near to asking "why me".

I finally felt that the UK is indeed a training ground towards equipping me in becoming a better person to serve in Malaysia. Special thanks to family and friends who provided endless support and never got bored of me asking for help over the same thing time and time again. I don't know how I can ever repay you guys but I do believe that there's nothing better than hoping that Allah rewards you with many goodness abundantly, to the point that He brings you to His jannah <3

Midnight

Johan Christian Dahl's Midnight. Taken from Denmark's SMK

"And He found you lost, so (He) guided (you)." [93:7]

Amazing how in very little light,
A lot of information is lost.

Yet the details that you didn't see before,
Suddenly capture your eyes,
And their presence amplifies.

How much of a black paint the artist used to create this,
That each stroke of white brings a new perspective.
A sense of meaning to this wonderful piece.

Isn't that how light works?
A shine of hope in the loom of darkness.







Lost. Hopefully not a lost cause.
Something's really wrong with me and I don't know how to fix it anymore.

What It Means to Have to Feel Stupid

I was placed in the spot. All eyes on me now. Everyone was expecting me to read out my Chinese oral script aloud.
"But I haven't even practiced it yet."
"In fact, I haven't even proofread it."
"I doubt I can even read the characters I have written."
All these thoughts were running in my head during the few seconds of pause I had when the teacher called my name to go next.
"No, I don't want to do it."

Eventually I gave in, fumbling at every other word. Swear to God that that must have been the worst recital ever. I could feel my face flushed and my ears hot. The teacher knew I was recycling the essay that I submitted a while ago - not even the best essay I have produced - and there was just too many errors that I'm sure my teacher didn't even know where to begin with.

I'm sure we all had that sort of moment, at least once in our life.

Throughout the 5 years of my being in the British education system, if I were to pinpoint ONE thing that I've learnt, it's definitely going to be: repetition is indeed the key to success. LOL, the 17 year-old me would have strongly disagreed to this. Repetition meaning doing the same thing over and over again, but improving the flaws of the previous effort every single time, fine-tuning each detail so that by the end of it (hopefully) you'll obtain a near-perfect end result. The exams in this system are just so hard (70% for First Class doesn't mean it's easy to get a First, it just means 70% is just dead hard to get) that you're constantly being pushed to make sure you actually do your level best. I guess that's why our exams are all at the end of the year (with a few exceptions); to provide ample time for us to make sure we're nearing the success at the end of it. The thing is - at least in my experience - they'll always want to monitor our progress.

Being a perfectionist who takes failures a little bit too personally, I dread having to go through those multiple failures for every monitoring sessions. Like how I had to submit my first draft of dissertation to my supervisor, only being said to my face that it's crappy. Well, he didn't actually say it to my face, but I get the idea. Or when my Chinese teacher wanted us to recite the script we prepared for oral exam before the actual exam, knowing I would just be told off (implicitly) that I need to go rewrite it. I mean, who wants to feel such pain and humiliation?

And of course, the whole process of being in progress is just utterly painful, and the starting point is simply the worst. We'll feel stupid countless of times. Countless. For instance, I've cried over my A-Level Maths past-exams papers. Then throughout my Bachelors, I get frustrated over and over again by the fact that I can never ever understand Quantum Physics. Then when I think I do, I become agitated that I cannot answer the test questions. But really, what choice do I have? Keep ploughing my way through my degree, or give everything up. And you have no idea how tempting the latter have always been.

But that's just how life works, isn't it? If you're not familiar with a subject, you can't expect to be extremely good at it the first time round. Yeah, there are a few occasions where rookie's luck comes into the picture. But it doesn't usually work that way, does it? It's just the law of the Universe (i.e. sunnatullah) that human beings best learn from the mistakes they made. We are beings that are always subject to our own experiences and perceptions. That's just how we roll grow. If we have had no experience of that certain matter, there's just no way we can perfectly put the known theory into action. So if we don't choose to feel the pain of failure and stupidity beforehand, we would have to feel it when it truly matters e.g during the actual exam time. And we wouldn't want that, do we?

Always trust a cup of tea to sooth you.
Even if it is as severe as Condensed Matter Physics.

Yesterday was the first time I get to listen to the Friday khutbah at uni after a long time and the khatib touched on taqwa and related it to the upcoming Ramadan. He reminded us that the goal set by Allah for us in Ramadan is to attain taqwa, and that we need to prepare ourselves to make sure that we make full use of the month so we can achieve that target. It was indeed a very timely reminder because it was only the day before that I did a voluntary fast. And I don't know why, maybe it was because of the weather, or maybe because I was quite active that day, but I was beyond exhausted a few hours before iftar and stuffed my face with so many food by the time it was maghrib. Yeah, I've experienced fasting in the long hours of summer before, but that was a year ago. My "skills" of long-hour fasting has gone so rusty that I need to get back to doing it again. Sure, it's going to be really tiring during the first few attempts, but wouldn't that mean by the time Ramadan's here, I'll (hopefully) be fit enough to collect all the ajr that's contained in the blessed month - instead of complaining for days end? If I've chosen to plough through the few years of painful academic years to get through the exams, why wouldn't I want to plough to just a few days of hunger "torture" for something much much greater - Ramadan?

Here's a very interesting campaign by IKRAM UKE.
Picture retrieved from here.

And if I've battled my way through the last 5 years, achieving considerable success along the way, why won't I at least stand up in this last battle of mine. Kan Sofina?

Jiwa Pahlawan

Bersabarlah wahai diri,

Sedang hidup kau senantiasa dihimpit mehnah dan tribulasi.

Bertahanlah wahai jiwa,

Sedang yang kau hadapi ini telah kau hadapi berulang kali jua.

Tipu kalau kata tak pernah rasa dimainkan,

Oleh satu kuasa sadistik yang suka tengok aku merana dan tertekan.

Tapi aku tetap percaya,

Tetap teguh percaya,

Kuasa itu jugalah yang paling cintakan aku,

Yang tak akan pernah menzalimi aku.

Tipu kalau kata tak pernah mempersoalkan,

Kenapa tetap aku yang diberi ujian?

Tapi aku tetap percaya,

Tetap teguh percaya,

Untuk setiap sakit yang aku rasa, 

Dihapuskan satu per satu kesalahan dulu kala,

Dinaikkan lagi martabat aku disisi Dia.

Kerana, 

Walau apa pun,

Tetap Syurga itu yang aku damba,

Tatap wajahNya itu yang aku cita.

Diceritakan padaku kisah kelahiranku berulang kali,

Bahawa jantungku berhenti dua kali,

Sebelum doktor membuat keputusan,

Bahawa Mak perlu cepat lakukan cesarean.

Setelah berulang kali cerita itu sampai ke telingaku,

Setelah lebih 22 tahun menyelusuri kehidupan,

Baru aku sedar yang semenjak aku belum dilahirkan,

Aku sudah ditakdirkan untuk menjadi seorang pahlawan.

Maka jangan pernah kau menyerah,

Walau beribu kali kau tersungkur,

Jangan pernah kau putus harap,

Walau berjuta kali harapan kau hancur.

Combat

"Somewhere, somewhat, somehow, we've lost the plot in this life. We've forgotten why we're here. We need to refocus before it's too late." 

- Mufti Ismail Menk

I was given the opportunity to become a spectator of this year's SCUK (Spring Camp UK) war game instead of being part of it (well, to become the one who provoked as well). The aim of the game was simple: find the treasure keeper of the opponent's team and kill her (literally just tear off the masking tape from that person's arm). But here's the catch. They were only given vague descriptions of who that person was, and highly likely that she would be in the innermost defense of the opponent's fortress.

Maybe because the game was done indoors (due to the very bad weather) and maybe because there was too much physical contact, the game turned very violent very quickly. A lot of injuries sprang up and a lot of feelings were hurt. The game which started from a very strategic killing turned into an emotional haywire. A lot of people expressed their resentment afterwards, telling us that the idea of this game in of itself is a wreck, destructive of everything that we have built up to the day before.

Little did they know, that it wasn't due to the game that was violent. It was they themselves that made it to be so.

And as a spectator, this was (and still is) what I get to reflect on.

We have this set aim to achieve in life. This one goal, which becomes our purpose of living. We've set everything in order, laid everything strategically, just so to achieve it. Later on, as we set to embark our journey, the messiness of life comes in. We got distracted, emotionally battered, and lost your way. In the midst of it all, all we want to do is curse whatever we think was the cause of the uneasiness, blaming everything else for our lack of achievement. When in fact, it was us who got tangled in the mess.

But what use is our curse and resentment, when the game can only be over when we've killed the treasure keeper? If we don't overcome all the opponent's defense and kill their keeper and win, they're going to come and kill ours and we'll lose.

Same goes, what use is our curse and resentment, when the game of life can only be over when we've reached our final destination? If we don't struggle to reach for Jannah, surely the Dunia would consume us and we'll fall into the pit of Hell. Nauzubillah.

We might not be fond of the idea of war, but life itself is a battlefield.

"Antunna ada matlamat. Fokus matlamat antunna." - Kak F

Regaining My Footing

If you've known me close enough for about a couple of years, you might know that I make decisions on a whim. No matter how I must've denied it at first, I have came to a point of accepting that that is indeed true. I didn't plan to go to TEDxWarwick this year, but somehow just a fortnight before the event, I found myself registering for it, and immediately paid the ticket.

I suffered some serious internal issues the past few weeks. Nothing around me was physically wrong (at least not horribly), truly. It was just my state of mind that was awfully ill. I knew I wasn't being rational but I just couldn't bring myself out of it. Talk about understanding how people suffering from depression feel, huh.

I remember long time ago I said to a friend, "I enjoy being an observer of people's life because I can see things for them rationally. But I think if I were to be in that person's shoes, caught up in the moment, I might be as irrational as they are myself." Because I know I needed help, I reached out to several people. Thanks to their tremendous support, alhamdulillah I was able to persevere. Though so, my state was so bad, I fear for my life that I might reach the point of self-destruction, like many did.

But I held on, no matter how hard. Giving up was easier but I have too much at stake (like my degree!) so I prayed really hard that Allah would help me through. I always say that God always speaks to us, it's just that we never listen. At this stage I was really receptive of what Allah was telling me, begging Him to send me a message of hope. Messages of hope I received, indeed. But one thing that hit me the most was when I came across this verse.

"There is no calamity that would befall (a person) except by the permission of Allah; and whoever believes in Allah, He would guide his heart (aright). And Allah is All Knowing." [64:11]

I was stumped. I told myself, "Ok Sofina. He WANTS you to experience this. You proclaimed yourself a believer and He didn't say that if you're a believer then you won't experience hardship. He said that if you're a believer then He'll guide your heart in battling through it."

I took a deep breath and regained my footing. I was in the process of healing but I still couldn't pick myself back up yet. Days went by and I can genuinely feel that Allah was helping me endure. I tirelessly chanted the dua of Musa in [28:24] through and through, feeling very desperate.

Then He sent me glad tidings through my parents who really knocked some senses into me. Frankly, what they said were the same words I've been saying to myself but it never did anything. Allah chose them to be the medium for me to fully heal :)

Coming back to the TEDx story.

I was already revived, back to gaining momentum for my final year of undergraduate degree. But I feel that TEDx was the ultimate help He sent my way to handle all this. The grand finale of this little journey. That TEDx 10 am till 6 pm conference was so relevant to me that about 80% of the talks were enticed to what I had been experiencing. My eyes welled up in the hall and I literally cried in one (if not two or three) of the speeches (thank God I came alone :P), overwhelmed by the love I felt from my Lord. He knows I'm a fan of TED talks, and He also knows that I'm aroused by intellectual thoughts. So He gave me just that to aid me. Aaaaaaa. Betul sangatlah ayat ni "Your Lord knows you more than you do" [17:54] *nangis*  I've always known this fact before but what I just felt was like an assurance to me that He does indeed love me, that He would never leave me, and ultimately, that He would never cause me any harm. If I am indeed a believer, then everything that befalls me would be nothing but goodness.

Yes, the TED talks by TEDxWarwick 2016 were really amazing but what's more amazing is the fact that Allah tailored it as though the whole event was for me and about me <3

I sincerely believe that there is great wisdom behind every hardship and ease that we have to live through. But having that belief reassessed everytime is proven very challenging and painful. Then it dawned on me, it takes a very strong person to actually be His slave of full surrender. How great the Companions must have been to have reached such state of devotion. *nangis lagi*