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She writes simply to put her thoughts together.
Sometimes they're well-structured, sometimes they're in absolute mess.
But always, they're personal.

Ultimately, this is all for Him.

Sunday, 20 August 2017

The One Year that Wiped Out a Lifetime's Worth of Internal Suffering

This time last year I was officially pronounced Mrs. Asyraf, solemnised by Ustaz Ashraf at the heart of Kuala Lumpur. The feeling was too bizarre that I just cannot brain how the man (like any other men) that two minutes ago I had to safeguard my eyes towards (like I always had), now I can stare right in the eyes for however long I want. What's more mindboggling is that I can actually get rewarded for doing so!

And that's how this marriage business has always made me feel: Bizarre.

We were strangers when we got married. Despite being in the same society whilst we were in the UK, I only first knew of his existence less than one year before we got married, when he asked if I was still available through his acquaintance who was of the same uni as mine. Little did he know that that acquaintance of his was my roommate, and she was sitting right in front of me when he sent the text message to her. That was back in November 2015. August 2016, that stranger became my husband.

How did I easily accept, you ask? Well, it goes way back.

For as long as my young-adult years, I've always had boy issues. I was never in a romantic relationship with anyone but there's always someone in my life that tugged my principle of not having a boyfriend before the right time. Especially when I had more guy friends than girl friends. I struggled to define what I want out of a man. It can’t be just friends forever, right? Who do I want as a life companion? What criteria should they have? But what do I want out of marriage in the first place? In this struggle, I ousted so many men but also got relatively involved with quite a few, with no clear basis whatsoever. It was a mess. In fact, it became the skeleton in the closet for me for a good few years of my early adulthood.

Until one day in my 3rd year of uni, the day when I went to a weekend seminar named Parenting Matters by Al-Kauthar at Birmingham with my friend. That was when the issue within me was finally cleared(Disclaimer: I've always had an interest in being a mother and raising a child. I just hadn't figured out the part about finding the father yet.). I finally decided then what I want out of life that I announced to my friend, "Unless the man that asks my hand in marriage has the same vision of creating the next Salahuddin for the ummah or help boost me in my current journey of wanting to be closer to God, then I rather not be married at all. So be it if I become unwed my whole life. As long as I get to fulfill my purpose of being closest to Him in this world and Hereafter."

It was a bold statement, alright.
Later on, I cleaned up my remaining mess and became content of being on my own, focused on achieving the one goal I engraved in my heart. Soon enough, the right man came. By then I had my objective laid out very clear in front of me that the whole taaruf phase was very goal-oriented. Our communication was all through my roommate and her husband. I asked Asyraf all the relevant questions in our whatsapp group. Not long after, I broke the news to my parents. Then a few weeks later, Asyraf and I had our first meeting at my city (facilitated by a great friend of ours) and the deal was sealed.

There was no feelings between us. There might be sparks here and there but we didn’t get romantic until the day we got married. It was so goal-oriented that I reached a point where I exclaimed to my roommate, “I’m now left with no choice lah kan? He ticks all the boxes and I have no reason to say no.” And in fact, he was everything I’ve ever asked for (and never asked for) and more.

To be frank, I felt gamed. By God. Well, not in a bad way. I just felt as though Allah purposely left me to drown in the mess that I had for that past few years so I would reach this stage of firmness. And it was as though I have passed His test with so much excellence that He awarded me with this amazing man whom I have the privilege to call my husband.

It's true when they say, the right man will come at the right time. Because had Asyraf come into the picture anytime before that particular moment that he had, I believe I would most definitely not accept him at all. Who he was before could never fit any of the criteria I once had in mind. But as time passed by, he changed and I too, changed. Like two converging lines, as we walked along each of our own individual path, we reached a point where our paths meet and the past experiences made us fit each other like gloves. 

Honestly, there were so many occasions that could make us meet each other sooner - but we didn’t. Like when I rejected the scholarship offer that he took. Or when I rejected to go to the A-Level college that he went. Or when I stubbornly refused to apply to the university he enrolled in. Or when I go to all the programmes our society held, except the ones that he was involved in. It was all planned really well by Him. Truly, God works wonders :')

It is even fair to say that we're not only made for each other, but we were made to be with each other. I had so many past experiences in life that I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. Which explains why I constantly felt that no one in this world knows me for the whole of me. Anyone who has been in my life only sees fragments of me. But Allah and His wonders, everything happens for a reason. And as I got to know my husband further, I felt that all those bad things that happened to me was so that I can marry him, so that I can understand him emphatically, and so that I have nothing to hide from him. MashaAllah.

Truly, I feel nothing but blessed and grateful throughout this marriage. Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah. All of the restraints I had towards men before I got married felt so worth it when I learned to love my husband. Now I fall in love with him everyday. I was very surprised (still am) by how much I can love a human being. It felt truly out of this world. And this is supposed to be nothing compared to the love Allah has for His creations, for His slaves. Subhanallah.

I feel like so many things have happened in the past one year that we've matured so much as a couple. We’ve combated the 9-month long distance relationship, we’ve battled each other's personal issues, we’ve tolerated each other's flaws, we’ve fought through obstacles life presented to us, and most importantly, we’ve grown as one entity, completing the other half of each other. Nobody said it's going to be easy. It definitely requires our continuous efforts but being in love only in the frame that Allah has permitted us gives our lives barakah so much, that unless someone has experienced the same, they can never comprehend.

May the years to come only make us stronger together and fonder towards each other, forever until the day we both get to see Allah everyday for the whole of eternity.

A&S (30:21)

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