Nightmare

Today I received a news that this year's Summer Training Camp wishes to adopt Living Below the Line campaign i.e. live off £1 on food and drinks per day. The moment I read that, my heart sank, remembering how hard it hit me when I joined this campaign last year. Yes, it was a true learning experience, but I've always wished to never experience that again. So when I came to know that I would need to experience it again, my heart went "NOOOOOOO"
*I even blogged how it went. Here's the link (opens up in a new window) if you want to experience my roller coaster of emotions at that time.

Aside:
Summer Training Camp UK is basically an annual Islamic summer camp for Malaysian students in the UK. Like every other term breaks, summer break has its own camp too. Just that with summer, instead of it being a program in a campsite (or some remote scout hostel), it's a proper camp where people hike, tent out, cook on their own in the wilderness and all sorts, alongside having a programmed intense physical activities (hence the term: training).

It's a 3-day camp so it wants us to live off £3 throughout the camp. What? T.T

God knows how I would survive. Last year the campaign was during exam season and I was almost pushed to tears numerous times (because I'm a tough girl and all so it is a big deal okay!). This time it's in a camp where you're expected to use a lot of energies to do physical work. Ha. Ha. Good luck on taking care of your mental state this time round, Sofina. I'm usually known to be one of those who would hoard chocolates to few-days programs. I guess that won't happen this time T.T

But isn't it always like that in life? Your bitter past coming back to haunt you?

I used to think of myself being closely related to Trisy, the character in Hlovate's Rooptop Rant. An anti-social with a skeleton in her closet (read: a haunting past she kept shut from others). Later on I've learnt that keeping that "skeleton" in my closet don't really bring any good (not that being an anti-social is much good either). The closet would be constantly opened and I get my scare again time after time. It was no use.

Over time, I trained myself to be stronger to face my fears. Well, to put it correctly, I was trained.

I had a discussion with a friend of mine the other day. That ever since we've decided to dedicate our lives to be the best servant of Allah that we possibly can, we basically have signed up for ourselves to be corrected and improved all the time until our time on Earth is due. Even the thought of "signing up" still gives me chills but that's what I did, a year ago. I promised to myself that there's nothing else that I want in this world besides being the best abid that Allah has promised to be able to see His face in Jannatul Firdaus. That marked my starting point and it was then a journey where He put me in to be groomed to be just that. Like, you know, when you join an apprenticeship, the company grooms you for a certain amount of time to prepare you to be just the person the company needs before you become their permanent employee. I like to think of it that way: I'm on an apprenticeship to be the permanent employee of Allah's Jannatul Firdaus "company".

So part of being groomed is to put forth a desirable characteristic set by the employer and eliminate all undesirable ones. See, eliminating undesirable traits is difficult if it's something that you love, and being able to have a desirable trait is also difficult if it's something you're anxious or feared of. So it's never an easy task.

Although I've said time and time that I don't really mind that much about money, I guess deep inside, I'm actually afraid of poverty. And Allah knows that. He always does. And He wants that to be fixed before my time is due. I mean, how else would you want to love the poor and needy (as how Rasulullah pbuh wanted us to be) if you cannot understand what they feel in the first place. Not just sympathising their physical state, no. But really understanding them, inside out. I made a lot of mistakes the first time round (like quarreling with my best mate whom I never argued with otherwise). He's just training me to be better at it this time around. Besides, I really don't have that much time left on this planet to further delay that process.

I am weak. I am afraid. But whatever Allah gives me, that would surely be the best for me.

After all,
Jannah is not cheap.
It's paid through sweat and blood.
Not simply with uttering "till jannah".

May this STC makes us closer to His redha ;)