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She writes simply to put her thoughts together.
Sometimes they're well-structured, sometimes they're in absolute mess.
But always, they're personal.

Ultimately, this is all for Him.

Saturday, 5 March 2016

Regaining My Footing

If you've known me close enough for about a couple of years, you might know that I make decisions on a whim. No matter how I must've denied it at first, I have came to a point of accepting that that is indeed true. I didn't plan to go to TEDxWarwick this year, but somehow just a fortnight before the event, I found myself registering for it, and immediately paid the ticket.

I suffered some serious internal issues the past few weeks. Nothing around me was physically wrong (at least not horribly), truly. It was just my state of mind that was awfully ill. I knew I wasn't being rational but I just couldn't bring myself out of it. Talk about understanding how people suffering from depression feel, huh.

I remember long time ago I said to a friend, "I enjoy being an observer of people's life because I can see things for them rationally. But I think if I were to be in that person's shoes, caught up in the moment, I might be as irrational as they are myself." Because I know I needed help, I reached out to several people. Thanks to their tremendous support, alhamdulillah I was able to persevere. Though so, my state was so bad, I fear for my life that I might reach the point of self-destruction, like many did.

But I held on, no matter how hard. Giving up was easier but I have too much at stake (like my degree!) so I prayed really hard that Allah would help me through. I always say that God always speaks to us, it's just that we never listen. At this stage I was really receptive of what Allah was telling me, begging Him to send me a message of hope. Messages of hope I received, indeed. But one thing that hit me the most was when I came across this verse.

"There is no calamity that would befall (a person) except by the permission of Allah; and whoever believes in Allah, He would guide his heart (aright). And Allah is All Knowing." [64:11]

I was stumped. I told myself, "Ok Sofina. He WANTS you to experience this. You proclaimed yourself a believer and He didn't say that if you're a believer then you won't experience hardship. He said that if you're a believer then He'll guide your heart in battling through it."

I took a deep breath and regained my footing. I was in the process of healing but I still couldn't pick myself back up yet. Days went by and I can genuinely feel that Allah was helping me endure. I tirelessly chanted the dua of Musa in [28:24] through and through, feeling very desperate.

Then He sent me glad tidings through my parents who really knocked some senses into me. Frankly, what they said were the same words I've been saying to myself but it never did anything. Allah chose them to be the medium for me to fully heal :)

Coming back to the TEDx story.

I was already revived, back to gaining momentum for my final year of undergraduate degree. But I feel that TEDx was the ultimate help He sent my way to handle all this. The grand finale of this little journey. That TEDx 10 am till 6 pm conference was so relevant to me that about 80% of the talks were enticed to what I had been experiencing. My eyes welled up in the hall and I literally cried in one (if not two or three) of the speeches (thank God I came alone :P), overwhelmed by the love I felt from my Lord. He knows I'm a fan of TED talks, and He also knows that I'm aroused by intellectual thoughts. So He gave me just that to aid me. Aaaaaaa. Betul sangatlah ayat ni "Your Lord knows you more than you do" [17:54] *nangis*  I've always known this fact before but what I just felt was like an assurance to me that He does indeed love me, that He would never leave me, and ultimately, that He would never cause me any harm. If I am indeed a believer, then everything that befalls me would be nothing but goodness.

Yes, the TED talks by TEDxWarwick 2016 were really amazing but what's more amazing is the fact that Allah tailored it as though the whole event was for me and about me <3

I sincerely believe that there is great wisdom behind every hardship and ease that we have to live through. But having that belief reassessed everytime is proven very challenging and painful. Then it dawned on me, it takes a very strong person to actually be His slave of full surrender. How great the Companions must have been to have reached such state of devotion. *nangis lagi*

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